“Come-enter” my life.

A blog is a blog is a blog. But a blog is not a blog without its comments. Of course, for that we have our faithful commenters to thank.

Part 1 – Same species, different breeds

It’s interesting to note how commenters work. Most often, they are fellow bloggers who are just looking to pick up a commenter. In this scenario, A will leave a couple of comments on B’s blog hoping that B will come back and visit A’s blog. If A is patient, he will do this for a while, and eventually it so happens that B does visit A’s blog. Because B knows that if he doesn’t visit A’s blog soon enough, A will lose interest and ditch B’s blog. That means one less commenter on B’s blog. So B will make a couple of appearances on A’s blog. And if they’re like-minded people, they will make sure that they largely contribute to each other’s number-of-comments counter. If A is an impatient person, A will leave comments like “Please visit my blog http://ibegyoutovisitmyblog.blogspot.com/”. Or if A wants to be a little more subtle, he’ll sign off his comments with “http://ibegyoutovisitmyblog.blogspot.com/” In some cases, A and B go on to become good friends. They’ll stand up for each other, compliment each other, tease each other and even cry for each other. All in all, a fairytale friendship and a promise to comment on each other’s blogs forever.

Then, there are those commenters who don’t expect anything in return. All they have been waiting for is to find that one blogger to idolize. Let’s say A’s that person. These commenters will praise, compliment and go as far as worshipping A to no bounds. In return, all they wish for is an acknowledgement of their presence from A. If at all A responds to their comments, the commenters either dance a jig or faint from being overwhelmed by the fact that A wasted precious seconds of her time to talk to them. A is then exalted to the status of being the kindest, sweetest, noblest, cutest, everything-nice-est person on this planet. I have a feeling that these commenters are the same people who wake up every morning feeling delighted that they share this planet with the likes of Tom Cruise and Britney Spears.

Some commenters truly believe that what they have to say can make a difference to someone’s life. These are the advisers – the people without the psychology degree but who still believe that they understand the human psyche of complete strangers they meet through a blog. They hope that their valuable comments will turn someone over a new leaf. Some even try the whole reverse-psychology thing. Fortunately or unfortunately, sometimes they succeed in their attempts.

The bloghopper commenters are the best. They find a blog by chance, leave a comment, and never come back. That’s the best part.

Commenters hang out in large numbers at feel-good saccharine-sweet blogs. (I sound like a freaking documentary about gazelles on the Discovery Channel!) Blogs where they will be pampered and be made to believe that the blogger is writing just for them. And the bloggers love the commenters too. It’s a measure of the popularity of their blog, after all. So they dare say or do something to offend them. But all is not hunky-dory. Because there are always the lions. (I’m beginning to like this Discovery Channel theme.)

Part 2 – Oh anonymous, who art thou?

I love the anonymous commenters. Only because they bring reality to the otherwise fantasy-blogs. And well, also because they’re vile like me and hate all things nice.

Anonymous commenters usually exist only to make the lives of bloggers hell. They leave mean, hurtful comments on blogs. As much as I enjoy them, I think it’s a rather sad, pathetic existence they live. Anonymity gives even the wussiest of wusses the guts to leave a nasty comment. And I bet that most of them are actual bloggers, probably even known to the blogger they’re leaving their comments for. But for whatever it’s worth, they succeed at what they set out to achieve. If their goal is to bother\hurt\irk the blogger in any way or form, they’re doing a pretty darn good job. Anyway, they make my bloghopping experience fun.

What’s even more hilarious is to watch these bloggers pretend like it doesn’t bother them. Some of the bloggers retaliate in the most natural way and ask the anonymous commenters to go to hell. That’s okay. Usually, the blogger’s entire commenter-batallion will join in the battle. Sometimes, they scare the shit out of the anonymous commenter; other times, the commenter gets bored and leaves. Some bloggers however will dedicate entire posts as to why anonymous commenters don’t bother them. Talk about contradiction at its best! If they’re not bothering you, why respond? Some bloggers complain that they don’t really mind criticism, but that they’d rather that it be constructive. For example,
Blogger A says to anonymous commenter: There’s no point in telling me that you hate me, or that my blog sucks. Tell me what I can do to make it better.
I say to Blogger A: Why do you complain that criticism must be constructive? Have you ever complained about compliments not being constructive? Why is it okay when your commenters tell you that they love you and that your blog rocks? I don’t hear anyone complain then. But the minute someone doesn’t like what you write, you bother about technicalities?

It’s important to have your share of anonymous commenters. A couple of mean comments should help bring people back down from cloud number 9. And does it really matter what they think or say? Everybody doesn't have to like you all the time. And they won't. Now who would know that better than me!

You probably think that I’m jealous because my blog is not being plagued by comments. You’re right. Maybe I should just blogroll about 20 odd people and go leave them all a comment. You probably also insulted my sensibility by believing that the title of my post was a plea and not a pun. Please, come enter my life. I’ll sure have a blast showing you the door.

The bitch returns

I'm back... to put the I in B*TCH.

How about a Shortail, again?

What is it with the blog world and short tales? And why are they so popular? Aren’t they getting redundant? How can one possibly keep being amused by the same style of writing over and over again? And why does one keep writing the same kind of things?

With regards to the “blogosphere”, short tales refer to those few lines of words that have you believing that the story is going one way. And the last line is usually the clincher, after which you equate yourself to stupid and the author to amazing. You are left awestruck, like a 7-year-old boy who has just discovered the existence of the light-saber from one of the Star Wars movies (hopefully not from ‘Star Wars 3: Revenge of the Sith’ for more than one reason).

I can’t wholly blame the authors in this department. Maybe this is as creative as they can get. And for those of you, who are under the impression that it takes ‘creative-genius’ to write these, let me assure you that it does not. All you have to do is sit down and choose any object or event, and force your mind to think about it in a way other than the most obvious. And for all of us who have minds, it has come equipped with this thing we call “imagination”. So it’s not that big a feat. Of course, a little credit goes to these writers because they are using their minds unlike the rest who just choose to be lazy. And when they have the same lazy audience ooh-ing and aah-ing their work, you can’t blame them for being under the misconception that they are indeed churning out creative gems.

Now, this says a lot about the blog audience (who are usually bloggers themselves). I think I have figured out the reason for the apparent success of these tales. They’re short. Thus, they don’t take up time to read. For most of the audience, that must be a blessing in disguise. It means one doesn’t have to refer to the dictionary as much. Also, in this oh-so-busy world, who has time to read more than 5 lines of words? Unless, of course, it’s ‘Harry Potter 6’. Then people of all ages will stay up till 4 in the morning to finish reading it in one go!!!

I can understand these stories being interesting for a day or two, maybe even three. But how can one honestly be surprised every single time? Don’t you start to “get it” after a couple? Or am I over-estimating the IQ levels of the average blogger?

So here are a bunch of writers who are mundanely predictable. Even if you can’t predict the outcome of their stories, you sure can predict the type of next post on their blog. These writers probably know that they lack the ability to hold the interest of a reader for more than 5 lines. So we get tale after tale after tale. Assuming all the readers don’t suffer from ADD, I blame them for encouraging these authors with their silly praise. After all, the American population is as guilty of the injustice in Iraq as is President George W. Bush.

I guess humans are creatures of habit. We don’t like change. But someone needs to tell these people that variety is the spice of life. Because if Michelangelo had only painted faces of women, with no eyebrows, then the Mona Lisa would have no charm.

Stat-whores

What’s the deal with these counters? I don’t get it. It’s not like they are accurate anyway. And you can hit your own page a hundred times a day if you wish. Those growing numbers make you feel popular, doesn’t it? Stat-whores, all!

Grammer

I’m sure a lot of you aren’t even aware that the title has been terribly misspelt. And yes, that’s with 2 s’s. I don’t know if it’s a blog trend to suck at grammar and make sure you wouldn’t ever be mistaken as a contestant of the Spelling Bee, but it drives me crazy! It’s the sole reason why I lose patience while reading blogs.

I could understand if people were just born dumb. Then it’s not their fault. Or if English wasn’t their language of conversation or writing, then they’re not to blame. As much as I hate it, I can still tolerate people writing ‘might’ as ‘mite’ or ‘cool’ as ‘kewl’. Typos I can deal with to some extent too; though at a click of a button you can ‘spell-check’. But these days, with everyone leading such hurried lives, an attempt to make writing “easier” is understandable, I guess. However, because the Internet has made a fad out of writing words so that they only vaguely resemble the words concerned, people tend to make basic errors that they obviously would have been reprimanded for had they passed 3rd grade. And that’s just pitiful.

I remember a particular incident that haunts me to this day. A guy once said to me “If you girls keep dieting the way you do, you’re all going to look emancipated.” I almost gagged. Now, it’s okay if you don’t know what 'emancipated' means. It’s okay if you don’t know what 'emaciated' means. It’s also okay if you don’t know why I gagged. However, it’s not okay to use words, if you don’t know how to in a sentence, to prove your English prowess, because that’s just darn selfish of you. Somebody may not be aware that you’re using the wrong word and may go on to assume his or her own meaning to the word ‘emancipated’. After all, the invention of the dictionary has long since become a lost cause. The updated versions are a joke. They include every combination of letters possible. It’s not going to get any easier than this to play Scrabble. All that’s left to be included are the Internet acronyms – ttyl, brb, asl!

Maybe ten years down the line, the English language will be absolutely devoid of grammar, considering the way the language is being bastardized by the youth. But as long as there remains a semblance of sense in the language, let’s all try to be respectful of it, shall we?

Today’s lesson is going to be short and simple.

1. The Smiths’ house always looks clean. They’re (not* there or their) neat-freaks.

2. I like you. Your (not* you’re or ewer) eyes are beautiful.

I promise you that once you get a hang of these two simple sentences, you will feel better about yourself. You’re also less likely to be scoffed at by an English professor if you ever happen to crave to see what one looks like.

You’re most welcome.

*(not knot, naught, gnaw it or gnawed)

Blog, Blogger, Bloggest

This is for no one in particular, so if you feel victimized, it’s entirely your problem. So, we’re an entire nation by ourselves now, aren’t we? The nation of bloggers. So many people blog. Blogging is really not about being a talented writer, is it? Because if it was, then a lot of people are breaking the law. And horribly at that. Blogging is about self-expression probably. I don’t know. And I don’t care. Why do you blog? Why do I blog? Does it matter? We blog because we want to. Will you stop blogging if I tell you your stuff is worthless? Or if I tell you your grammar is worse than that of a 5 year old? Or if I tell you no one wants to hear you whine about your boyfriend leaving you for your best friend? No? Well, that’s what I thought.

So, is there some sort of code we have to live by? Because I’m not aware. I didn’t start blogging to fall prey to just another set of rules in my life. But there certainly seem to be some - unwritten ones at that. Obviously. We’re not really all about writing here, are we!

Here are some of the rules that I unearthed:

1. If I comment on your blog, you have to comment on mine.

No one really says it, but they sure as hell mean it. However, let me make this clear. If I comment on your blog, I don’t expect you to comment on mine. I’ll comment on yours if I like reading your blog. If you like reading mine, you can comment. It doesn’t matter to me. There are people’s blogs I will comment on, and they may never comment on mine. I won’t stop visiting their blog, or secretly read their stuff and not comment, just because they didn’t comment on mine. We’re not in the 6th grade, for crying out loud! It’s pathetic how people will say something just for the heck of being nice or returning the favour. If I don’t like how you write, I will not suck up to you. You’re not doing me a favour by commenting at my blog. So I owe you nothing.

2. I’m going to judge you by what you write, because obviously that’s who you are.

If you’re judging me by what I write, then I can imagine the impression you’ve gotten of me. People don’t have to be what they write. Sometimes people are the exact opposite of what they write. Sometimes people write just for fun. Words are a beautiful thing. When strung together, can be interpreted in so many ways. There’s no need to idolize anybody based on his or her words. They may hardly mean it. It’s easy to be good with words. And it’s that easy for people to get carried away by them too. Writing is not a skill anymore. It’s the style of writing however, that is. So if I like the way you write, it hardly means I like you! I only know good writing when I see it. I am not psychic.

3. You blogroll me and I’ll blogroll you.

It’s just like us people to make a business out of anything, isn’t it? “Hey, I’ve blogrolled you. I hope you don’t mind” is a comment I’ve seen on so many blogs. Why will they mind? No one minds being publicized on someone else’s blog. But you WANT them to know that you have done so, don’t you? So that they do the same. Pathetic.

4. If you comment on my blog, I’ll thank you on yours so everyone knows what a nice person I am.

“Thank you for your comment.” Are you serious? Really? I don’t even know what to say about this one!

There are a lot more rules out there that I’ll unearth once I get more acquainted with the blog world. But it’s a nice nation we’ve got here. Everybody is so nice to everybody, to random people, to strangers they’ve never met. Isn’t that so sweet? I’m glad I’m not diabetic. Anyway, I’m not here to spread any joy around. A little bitterness is not going to spoil anyone’s day, is it? It is? Well, that’s just too darn bad.

Hello World

Welcome to the real world.

Nobody really cares.

Deal with it.